


Fairytales of Sadame

by Clip_Lipstick



Series: Sunsets and Promises [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Baby Hoshi, Baby Vernon!, Implied Relationships, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:42:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22306618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clip_Lipstick/pseuds/Clip_Lipstick
Summary: Yoon Jeonghan returned with a sense of loss and regret. In the bitter memories of a sleepy village, he finally begins to make amends for his own mistakes of a time gone by.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: Sunsets and Promises [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/996063
Kudos: 14





	Fairytales of Sadame

**Author's Note:**

> It took me some time to finish this as I had no idea where I wanted to go with the plot. I knew it was going to be the beginning of a series but then I had to take a hiatus from writing because of personal issues. It took some time but I have finally managed to finish it. I really hope it is an enjoyable read and I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on it. Being a Carat has really been a great experience for me and I really cannot explain the role that Seventeen has played in my life. I really am thankful to this fandom for being the absolute angels that they are. Lots of Love and Sarang <3.

I.

The blue skies and the green countryside glittered in the soft sunshine as the train chugged through. Jeonghan sighed softly as his fingers carded through the soft locks of his son Vernon as he slept deeply, lulled to sleep from the soft swaying of the train. His other son Hoshi blankly stared out of the window. He fidgeted once or twice as the train jolted but otherwise, his eyes followed the fields rapidly receding away. Jeonghan watched his son as his heart jolted and twisted with every station the train passed by. Even though it was the family’s decision that Jeonghan return to the countryside to the ancestral household to improvise its running while raising his two sons after the impromptu death of Melissa, somehow every hour, minute and second that passed in the train, made his heart grow heavy and thump loudly. The smell of incense still hung around his senses and the heavy weeping still haunted him as the still portrait of his wife stared back at him, serenely smiling. She was a complacent wife and both of them knew what was expected of them. It was a business arrangement between them and their families which somehow became a better semblance of a marriage when Hoshi and later Vernon were born. And just as Jeonghan finally thought that he had finally come to a point where he could finally be happy with his sons and wife, she had a heart attack from which she could not recover enough. Her delicate constitution had been further aggravated due to the birth of two sons and the heart attack though mild, had been quite strong for her and left the doctors and Jeonghan helpless. He wonders if her last, serene smile will haunt him now and feed on his guilt. As he stares at Hoshi, swinging his stubby four-year legs, silent and sullen, tired from the continuous crying but finally having made his peace that his mother had returned to her rightful place amidst the stars in the sky, Jeonghan sees his wife live on in Hoshi’s sharp angular features. 

The train gives a final whistle as it signals its entry to the destined station. Jeonghan softly picks up Vernon who grunts at being disturbed but resumes his deep sleep and straps him into the baby pouch. Vernon gives a slight squeak and frowns at the change in positions but finds a comfortable place before his father’s musky scent lulls him off to sleep. Jeonghan picks up the portmanteaus as he takes Hoshi’s small grubby hand in his and leads him to the door to alight at the station. The air after the slight stench of wood, resin, and leather of the coach, smells of soft fresh grass and the dying summer. The cicadas screeched in the shadows of the huge trees that lined the solitary station. As Jeonghan accustomed himself to the childhood which had vanished a long time ago, he imagined his fifteen-year-old self-boarding the train, amidst the soft autumn colours of yellow, red and orange. And softly, he espied a lost figure of his youth, steal into his mind, his soft black hair glinting brown in the dying sunset, large brown eyes reflecting regret and longing, his soft lips glistening from the last kiss they shared and hands tightly clasped as he watched Jeonghan leave for the last time. Jeonghan felt his heart twinge with the longing of a youth lost and heartbroken as he resolutely shut down those painful memories. The soft warmth of Vernon on his back and Hoshi’s hand in his own was what was his future.

II.  
“It was a relief you came back, young master,” Nana whispered as she set the kettle with water onto the fire. Her advanced age of seventy made no changes to her except that there were a lot more wrinkles on her soft pale skin and she was a lot smaller than her five ‘three. But her eyes still twinkled and her dimples still dug deep into her cheeks. Jeonghan smiled as he opened the windows to let in the sunshine. The kettle whistled sharply and Nana quickly shifted it to pour the hot water into the waiting bottle, before mixing in the baby solution. Vernon squealed as he toddled behind Hoshi as both of them explored the old family home. 

“The servants will all be here by tomorrow but nothing stayed the same after you went away and Grandma Yoon died. Most of the major servants who were in charge of the house and the gardens were old enough, and in the boonies, they never last long.” Nana gave a sarcastic smile, “Wonder if I stayed alive just to see you come back. Things changed for me too after Yesung died, though it brightened up now that I have a purpose in my life again. It was getting a little crazy here and I was scared that those wild raccoons would set up their next hotspot here. That would have spelled the end for all this grand villa for what it is now.” 

Jeonghan took his spot on a clean chair at the kitchen island. Despite all of Nana’s talk of a decrepit mansion, falling into clear disrepair, it was not as much of a ramshackle that Jeonghan expected it to be. It was in a great condition for a house not lived in for years and quite dusted and well-kept. Not that Jeonghan minded. Part of why he had returned, was also because of his family’s businesses in this part of the village, which included the local library and school. Though shipping was still where the majority of the wealth of the Yoon Family was sourced, Jeonghan refused to take up the job of being the heir to it. He gave up on his business degree soon after a year and studied architecture instead, finding his forte in something which was of little use to the family. In a desperate bid, Jeonghan was asked by his father to upgrade the school’s architecture so that it could accommodate the growing population of the surrounding towns and villages, in order to not have his son go back to London to settle down there. He peeled a banana and enjoyed the serenity of his childhood home as Nana called for Vernon to have his solution. He could almost see the spectres of his childhood beckoning him through the doors and windows, breezing in and out, in sync with the old villa, while Grandma Yoon lorded over the servants and sometimes chided them for a mistake carelessly made. He finished his banana and picked up the small plate of fruits for Hoshi. Somehow the happy squeals from Vernon and the soft coos of Nana as Vernon sucked from his bottle while Hoshi watched his little brother contentedly, made Jeonghan sigh. He cut an apple and placed the small plate in front of Hoshi who started gobbling up the apples as fast as he could before Vernon could squeal for one piece himself. Jeonghan smiled and softly touched Hoshi’s shiny black hair. The sunlight glittered on the courtyard beyond as the hydrangeas bloomed before the mossy garden walls. Somehow it seemed to Jeonghan like the deceptive lull before a storm. 

III. 

This land is blessed by the Gods, who allow the villages to prosper while also be happy with their lot. It is believed that the ancient dragon of Sadame had ploughed our green fields with the shiny scales off his back and let his guards, the fireflies watch over those precious fields while he slept at night. These precious insects which guard over our land are holy and the protectors of this land. You must never ever harm them but bow to them and say your prayers for them to watch over you until the Dragon of Sadame awakens from his slumber again to protect this land again.

~~

The car softly braked to a halt in front of the stark white school building, simple yet regal, standing lone amidst the green fields surrounding it. A slight smell of the far-off sea permeated the fresh air and the breeze was strong enough for a clear summer morning. The school was somehow a little off the town which kept it away from the hustle and bustle, but close enough to be accessed by a five-minute walk down the road. Jeonghan had always been amazed by the structure which though very much western, revealed its position in the east through the detailed awnings and large glass windows, on which sunlight glinted off. Jeonghan walked into the building, after asking the driver to wait for him. Classes were going on so the corridors were deceptively silent. Jeonghan was proud of himself for wearing his loafers which kept his sounds to a minimum. He walked to the Principal’s office at the end of the first-floor corridor. There was a slight smell of disinfectant in those white, sunlit corridors and somehow, Jeonghan was reminded of the times that he spent in those halls himself, lank and bony, painfully awkward and still confused about his growing attraction for the second son of the local doctor. He could still see the ghost of his fourteen-year-old self, surrounded by girls and boys, frolicking around in the summer sun, long hair tied up in a loose ponytail while his white shirt fluttered in the breeze, eyes following Seungcheol as he passed through the gaggle with his owlish glasses balanced on his nose and library books resolutely clutched to his chest. His heart pained at the memories long past but the wound under the scab as fresh as ever. Sometimes, Jeonghan felt like scratching at that wound, to discover how painful it could get and if he could ever find closure on the subject, but he resolutely pushed the idea down. Seungcheol had demanded it of him then and he owes it to his kids now to not go through the emotional breakdown that he went through when he was seventeen. And he was sure that he did not have the will to survive it again or even face it again. 

The architecture was still the same with the wooden floors and sliding doors, which rattled in their frames as they opened up to the different offices and classrooms. As he was ushered into the Principal’s office, Jeonghan felt as if he was back in time. The room was as airy and spacious as he had last seen it with the walls being lined up with shelves of books, which seemed to intimidate Jeonghan in the distant past but now just seemed like a specially curated library by the many principals who had filled the shelves with their favourite books. But what delighted him was the wizened figure behind the desk. Mr. Kim looked as sprightly as ever as his black eyes twinkled behind the wrinkles of his skin. His grey hair was thinning but his features remained strong and reminiscent of the time when he was still young and lorded over the entire school with a loving yet firm hand. He smiled at Jeonghan and indicated for him to take a seat. 

“I had been expecting you ever since your father gave me a call, telling me that you would be visiting the school and will be responsible for changing the architecture of the school. I… “

The door opened at that very minute, interrupting Mr. Kim. A deep voice resounded through the room, which jolted Jeonghan into painful consciousness and made Mr. Kim give an indulgent smile.

“May I come in?”

As the man came around and stood beside Jeonghan, Jeonghan did not look up but the comforting smell of freshly mowed grass and fabric softener with a slight undertone of musk hit his nose and somehow Jeonghan did not want to face what was coming at him. He was not ready for this, and yet the attraction made him shiver. All those years of separation faded into nothing as existence itself stopped. As he looked up to meet those long familiar soft brown eyes, which glittered with recognition and barely disguised surprise, Jeonghan was afraid to know whether this was the same man, he had kissed so long before on that late summer night and the same man who haunted him throughout those lonely nights in a cold foreign land. Mr. Kim’s voice resounded in the background as both of them acquainted each other with the specters of boys long lost to become the men in front.

“…I am sure you will remember each other as you were in the same class once upon a time, so I felt that you would be comfortable with the other. Jeonghan, this is Seungcheol and he is the Biology teacher. He will be your official guide for your time in this school…”

IV. 

The awkwardness was stifling and Jeonghan felt as if he could cut the tension with the metaphorical knife as he hurried behind Seungcheol. He was no more the mousy teenager who was also the pet of the college. The Seungcheol in-front of him was tall, with a hint of muscle, but his face was as charming as ever. With his pouty lips and awkward eye-smiles, Seungcheol was still adorable and stole Jeonghan’s breath like no one ever did before. He spoke softly but his voice was as deep and calm as ever, reminding Jeonghan of the sea, its waves breaking softly over the rocks and washing them, softening their edges. As his voice floated over, explaining the various spaces in the college and the new additions, Jeonghan followed him around, getting lost in those words and soft lilt which seemed to wash over him and embrace him like the person himself once did. 

It took them an hour to complete the tour and Seungcheol looked everywhere but his eyes, 

“I hope I was helpful enough in reintroducing the structure to you. There have been little changes to the original structure and I hope they really do not impede your future work on this building. Some places do need obvious reconstruction but then I guess you would know better.”

Their eyes somehow locked and Jeonghan was hit with memories of him staring into those eyes as their lips slowly met under the night sky. Seungcheol blushed violently and somehow it took all of Jeonghan’s willpower to not take Seungcheol into his arms and throw caution to the wind. He felt like he was fifteen again, cast into the sea of desire, but somehow, he did not feel as invincible. In a desperate attempt, he blurted out:

“How have you been?”

Seungcheol started and for a whole second, Jeonghan could see the cogs turning violently in Seungcheol’s brain, deciding on whether to answer the innocent question or not.  
“I have been doing fine.” Came the hesitant mumbled answer.

Jeonghan nodded and tried to ignore the painful clenching of his heart at Seungcheol’s distance and discomfort, radiating off in waves. Somehow, he had always been painfully aware of Seungcheol and his moods. 

“It has been a long time. We have all changed…”

“I am getting married, Jeonghan.” 

Jeonghan felt the ground shift underneath his very legs. Seungcheol twisted his hands in fear and looked away in obvious embarrassment but not before Jeonghan had noticed the pain, desperation and wild fear mingled in Seungcheol’s eyes. Jeonghan could not mirror those emotions, but he understood their origin; because underneath all that desperation, heartbreak and cruelty they had suffered; they both had truly loved the other. Their love was mellow and sweet, tinged with a desperation to possess the other, but somehow it was also selfless. Now as they stood before the other, Seungcheol’s eyes, praying that he be rescued somehow from the impending marriage to some unnamed, faceless girl, Jeonghan wondered if the prices of their love were the same this time. His body tingled with awareness and he somehow, begged his consciousness to hate Seungcheol after all he had forced Jeonghan to suffer through: a broken heart, a dead wife and a burning hate for his own family who tore Seungcheol and him apart. And out of all that, he got Hoshi and Vernon and he wondered if this obsessive love was all worth exposing his children to, after their personal loss. Somehow a voice screamed at him and he felt numb and lost. 

“Congratulations.” Was all he could croak out as he turned on his heel and fled the scene. 

V.

The Prince waits and waits for the Dragon to come and somehow, he grows tired of waiting. The blue skies remain blue as ever, even as the seasons change as the Dragon had blessed the land. But somehow, the Prince wished for the Dragon to come and save him from the wretched castle where he was trapped even as he watched the leaves turn yellow, fall and then get replaced…  
They never knew what happened to the prince but even as the wind blew over the fields and the sunshine glittered on the passing canals, it was rumoured that the dragon too sent his feeling through his continued blessing on the land. 

~~

“Do you think the Dragon actually protected this land from the marauders who had attacked and rescued the prince from his castle secretly and so nobody had ever heard of the prince again?” Hoshi’s inquisitive stare finds his own as Jeonghan closes the book. This particular story had never been a favourite of his, but somehow it had captivated Hoshi’s fertile mind. Vernon sucked on his thumb as he slept on his cot, unperturbed by his brother’s eager whispers. 

“Who knows what had happened.” Jeonghan turned the book around and placed it on the bedside table. “It might have been what you are hoping for but people believed that the Dragon because of his promise to the marauders, never rescued the prince but he fulfilled the promise he made to the people of Sadame. So, he did protect the people sweetie, just not the prince.”

“But he should have right? He promised…” Hoshi whined.

Somehow, Jeonghan was not in the mood to explain the little intricacies in the adult world which were not so clear in the black and white world of children. This was exactly why he had hated this story when he had first listened to it but now he understood. He gave a slight smile which told Hoshi that the conversation was over and then gave a soft kiss to his forehead, “You will learn…”

“Is that why mamma left for her happy place despite promising us forever?” 

Jeonghan startled as he stared at his son’s soft pale face in the lamplight. It did not look sad but painfully inquisitive with the shadows of betrayal and loss. Despite his memories which would grow faint every passing year and the pain which dulled to be ultimately forgotten, that subtle sense of loss never would be. Hoshi looked far more mature in that soft play of light and shadows and somehow, Jeonghan understood how the situation was different for all now. Later, as he closed the door to the nursery, he came face-to-face with Nana as she stood in front of his bedroom.   
“I heard that conversation…”

Jeonghan gave a strained smile, “Today was still tame. He did not even cry after the funeral. It feels as if somewhere in his mind, he is still coming to terms that his Mama is gone but somehow, he just cannot show it because he still does not understand the magnitude of it all. He has accepted it for what it is, while I still have not…”

“I have made some chamomile tea. Want to talk for some time?”

…

The delicate flavour of the tea calmed him as both he and Nana sat at the kitchen island, sipping on the steaming liquid. There was the distinct sound of crickets chirping in the garden.   
“I know the past should always be left behind and we should look into the future, but somehow, I feel that the past has been a spectre which has haunted all of us. The fact that you are what you are, is also because things have happened in the past. Yesung always told me that you are the person, who is going to change this entire rotten structure of the Yoon family, and in some ways, you have, but somehow, it has come out of anger and distress rather than a choice made of love and free will.”

Jeonghan frowned and Nana smiled as she raised her fingers to smoothen the lines on his face.

“I received a call from the mansion today and it was your father asking after you. It was just a coincidence that I met the widow Choi, the stepmother of Seungcheol, at the local grocery store who also told me that Seungcheol was getting married next October. Somehow the conversations lined up and reminded me of a time, when you loved that boy and somehow things came to a head because of that.”

Jeonghan sighed, “There is no use bringing all that up now Nana. It was something which was in the past. If you did not know, Melissa and I were truly happy with what we had made of our relationship. Seungcheol did not matter after a while.”

“I know. I knew that what you felt for her was real.” Nana smoothed his black hair and the action reminded Jeonghan of his childhood when Nana would comfort him after witnessing those distressing fights between his parents which left him in tears. “You have gone through so much but this pretty face of yours has always been a curse on you. People think you are so happy and so lucky and yet, they do not see that you are as broken as the rest of them. Seungcheol knew it and so he loved you as you wanted him to and yet, your father made terms for him which could not have been refused. It was inevitable that you two would separate. I have seen you punishing yourself for your fate but the point is that your past has haunted you enough, and it is time to let it go.” She reached into one of the countertop drawers and pulled out a bundle of brown parchments, tied with a red string.

“This is a bundle which Seungcheol had entrusted me after you left and before he went to college in Tokyo for his studies. These are a number of letters he wrote to you, from the pages of the diary that you left for him. He did not know what to do with it at that time, and too cowardly to tell you what he felt. Your father had not exactly been the most welcoming to him and he did not want to impede you in any way. He never thought you would return and somehow, he did not want to destroy these letters which had formed an essential part of his life. So, I had offered my help in keeping those letters safe. I knew that the boy loved you deeply but his nature made it impossible to convey it to you even as your dad held sway. I believe this separation hurt him as much as it did you but he never said it out loud and in some part of his heart, he still loves you. It may be a breach of privacy on my part to give these letters to you but somehow, I was rooting for you two. I still am.”

She kissed Jeonghan on the brow. “And I trust you to make it right. Goodnight.”

VI.

The letters were like poison sitting on his working table, as he worked on different plans and ideas of renovation. He had enlisted a few of his trusted companies he had worked with on different projects before and the plan was going smoothly. He had not gone back to the school and there had been no correspondence between him and Seungcheol but Nana’s words kept ringing in his ears. Even as Hoshi made friends with the neighbourhood boys and went out to play soccer with the larger boys every evening and Vernon squealed and dribbled spit, but ate his solutions without a fuss, summer slowly started to give way to autumn. The warm air carried the soft smell of decaying leaves and crisp bark. Vernon toddled even more furiously after squirrels in the garden even as his father sat on the veranda, working on his plans and data. Life was almost a calm entity until the latch to the back garden was lifted and Naeun arrived.

Both father and son froze as they regarded the newcomer. She wore a soft dress of teal and a straw hat sat atop her head. Her hair fell in soft curls over her shoulders and a small diamond glittered on her finger. Her lips were a bright red and it curved into a soft smile as she saw Vernon.

Jeonghan hastily stood up and almost knocked over the glass of water. Vernon still looked at the woman with a slight air of hostility, from his place near the flower beds. 

“I am sorry but Nana has just gone with Shim to get the grocery but they will be back soon. You can wait if you want but if you have any message, I can relay it to her.” Jeonghan babbled, even as he felt his face heating up. The woman had still not said anything even as she regarded them with a curious eye. Jeonghan dug his fingers into his palms to force himself to shut up. The woman would be regarded a true beauty and Jeonghan never remembered seeing her before in the village. She looked quite well-off and, in some ways, had the air of a privileged upbringing. Jeonghan waited and a few tense minutes passed until Vernon started fussing and a squirrel caught his attention again. 

“I am Naeun. Son Naeun.” The woman’s voice was soft and yet it commanded attention. “You must be Yoon Jeonghan.” She gave a deep bow. “I am the fiancée of Choi Seungcheol.” 

Jeonghan could feel himself stiffening and Naeun noticed. She gave a soft apologetic smile, “If it helps, Seungcheol does not know anything. I came of my own free volition. I had been willing to meet you ever since you came here but then I did not have the time nor the pretext to come and meet you. I would like to have a little chat if you are willing.” 

Jeonghan cast a glance at Vernon and then waved Naeun over. She carefully walked over the pebbled road and took a seat beside Jeonghan. She smelled of vanilla and the sunshine softly shone over her hands and highlighted the filigree of delicate blue veins. They sat in silence as they watched Vernon sit near the flower-bed and attempt to sing a lullaby in his baby-gibberish. 

“Let me cut to the chase after a small story," Naeun gave a soft smile as she looked away, "I was not born here but my mum was. Her family had left for Seoul in order to earn because my grandfather’s orchard was not giving enough yield to support the entire family. My mother married and I was born. After I finished my medical degree in college, my father died of cardiac arrest. I was just twenty-five at that point. My grandparents too were quite old and my mother took a sudden decision to return. After we came back, I got a job as a doctor in the local hospital and it was quite a lonely life after my life in Seoul. My grandfather’s health was failing quite rapidly and we were all very worried. It was at that point that I met Seungcheol.”

Naeun’s voice grew soft even as the way she spoke was quite straightforward. “He was the son of the local doctor who I had heard stories of and his elder brother was quite famous among the residents of the hospital for his knowledge of herbs. Seungcheol too held his own charm as we met in the OPD where he had come to deliver some herbs which the hospital had ordered for making some medicines. I was quite skeptic of their healing properties with my medical knowledge but somehow, I could not get Seungcheol out of my head. He was so manly and yet so fragile and beautiful. His eyes seemed to look right through me and I had never met a man like him in Seoul. I was attracted to his sadness and his aloofness and when I touched him, I just wanted to take care of him. He made me empathize and I felt like I understood my profession better after I met him. The herbs that he had offered for my grandfather cured him and this made me even more thankful. I had floated through life and somehow after I met him, I felt that I had found my purpose. I knew I could not let him go and yet, when I felt that I had finally convinced him of the fact that he too needed me in his life, he told me of you: Yoon Jeonghan. I did not know who you were but the way he spoke of you, made me detest you. I hated the fact that you possessed him long before I had even met him and had made him so wholly yours, that even after all that suffering, he forced himself to endure, he still loved you. He would die for you and he still blamed himself for being a burden to you and your memories. At that moment, I could have killed you; the you who had made Seungcheol suffer so. I knew that he was my soulmate and yet, your presence was there; overbearing and stifling, choking me even as we made love.” She lifted her large brown eyes to stare at Jeonghan, “You were a ghost we could never rid ourselves of.”

She gave a soft laugh. “Or maybe it was just Seungcheol. You were his ghost but such a powerful one that you became mine too. But now I think I know why…”

“I had proposed to him last year, after the autumn festival. I could live with a ghost I told myself as long as I had Seungcheol. You see, even I have my own ghosts that Seungcheol does not know of. I loved a man before I had met Seungcheol. Maybe I did not love him as I do Seungcheol but we had something. He was a resident doctor in the hospital where I was interning and I loved him to bits. I knew he was married and yet, my brain was reckless enough to let me sacrifice myself for that man. And then I found out that I was pregnant. I was at a loss. Relationships were prohibited in that hospital and I had yet to complete my degree. The father refused to take responsibility and his wife cursed me as a home-breaker and all the while, I felt my love and my stomach grow with my baby. I wanted to kill myself and I was seriously considering it, until one night, I woke up with hot blood between my legs and excruciating pains in my belly. I remember screaming because I could hear my baby crying for me even as I suffered a miscarriage. I could not sleep for months on the end as I used to wake up haunted by the ghost of my baby. And yet, I survived.” 

“You see, I now know why I did. I had to meet Seungcheol. And yet when I saw you, I knew why I hated you and yet could not let go of you. You were like me. You too love Seungcheol and want to possess him. You too want to take care of him. And yet, I could not forgive you for what you did to him. You almost destroyed him and it took both me and Seungcheol to work together to heal the other. Today we both have our ghosts but we love them a little more than we did before.”

“So today, I thought of coming to exorcise you just like Seungcheol helped me exorcise mine despite not knowing what he was doing. He helped me have a new beginning. So, it is my duty to pay him back. Please stay away. It is my request to you. You have had your time and fun with him. Now let him live.”

Naeun had got up and she gave a deep bow again. Jeonghan got up too. Her eyes were dry but her nose and ears were red. There was a silence that reigned between the two. Vernon slept under the tree beside a sunny patch. 

“I am sorry for your loss.” Jeonghan bowed back. “But I simply cannot accept your point that what I had with Seungcheol was just fun and a waste of time. You have greatly undermined my love for him in many ways. You have made me into some inconsequential ghost who haunts thoughtlessly and yet, I have no agency over Seungcheol. If I did, maybe I would not be a widower and we would not be having this conversation today. I sometimes really wish for some agency as regards Seungcheol though. It would have made my life so much easier. But then, it would not have been the same. We all have our own ghosts and yet we all live with them. We have our own tales and all those fairy tales where the prince gets saved were all lies. We all have to fight and if it means breaking a few promises to make other promises come true then that is what we do. You cannot give up your life by relegating your fears into the category of ghosts. It just haunts you and ultimately it kills you. And maybe in your terminology, Seungcheol is my ghost too. Maybe he haunts me like I do to him. And maybe, he loves me enough to not exorcise me.” 

Jeonghan looked into Naeun’s eyes, “I appreciate you looking out for him but this is our battle to fight. Please stay out of it.”

“I will not let you have him.”

“That is not your stand to make. Seungcheol is a grown man. And with this, this conversation is over. I thank you for coming by today.” 

VII. 

“Did you know of Naeun, Seungcheol’s fiancée?” Jeonghan sipped on his tea as Nana put away the groceries. Hoshi was drinking his chocolate milk and Vernon played with the Legos that Nana put out for him. Darkness seeped in through the kitchen windows and there was the loud sound of crickets other than the silence in the room. 

Nana nodded. “I met her when Yesung was admitted to the hospital. She is a good sort though she has her own sadness. I knew her grandmother. She used to supply the Yoon family with fruits from her orchard before they all left. But that was a long time before you were born.”

She looked up as she was sorting through the vegetables, “Something happened?” 

Jeonghan shook his head. Nana looked at him with a knowing eye but then turned away with a shrug. Jeonghan fingered the rim of his cup before finishing the rest of the drink. It did soothe his frazzled nerves and he got up. Everyone turned to look at him and he gave a smile.   
“I will just rest for some time so please call me when it is dinner time.” 

VIII.

The letters were browning at the edges and some were crumpled. As Jeonghan untied the ribbon around the letters, he was struck by the frail scratchy handwriting of Seungcheol. At some places, the ink had smudged and blotted and the paper had grown quite delicate after years. The first one at the top was dated two days after he had left for England and it was quite thick. Seungcheol obviously had meant to send it because it was the only one which had a proper envelope with all his information written; just that it never got as far to the post-box. He was quite amazed that Seungcheol had not destroyed all of these letters but then he always did have a soft heart for memorabilia. 

Dear Han, 

Maybe I do not have the privilege to call you that anymore. Maybe I should just stick to Jeonghan, like I used to call you before you kissed me behind the old temple beside the woods. I still remember everything about you that night: your smell, your soft lips, the rough cloth of your corduroy jacket rubbing against my hands as I bunched them into my fists to stop them from shaking too much as fireworks lit up the sky. That night it seemed my dreams had come true. I had wished to the Gods to never let these shameful dreams come true and yet, you taught me it was not shameful. You taught me to love myself and yet, you never asked for a price. But I did pay. I paid for your lessons with my heart… 

I could never say it could I…that I loved you with my whole being? I never felt worthy…you seemed like an angel, a beauty who everyone held in awe while every time I looked into the mirror, I was disgusted with my fat lips, awkward laugh and owlish eyes. What could I offer you? The question haunted me even as I slept at night and it became increasingly obvious that the answer was nothing… 

Even as you begged me that night to run away with you and have a life where we would live happily, my heart burst. I could remember your father’s warnings and yet for that moment, it tantalized me to throw caution to the wind and really just trust you. And yet, I remembered that it was not just about me but about you. I knew how much you deserved in this life and somehow, I could not ask you to throw it all away for me. I wish I could have convinced you of those thoughts when I refused to go along with your plans. I should have now that I think about it. Maybe you would have understood me better. But it would have been selfishness on my part. I decided that it was my payment: to push you towards the right path. That day, with good reason, my voice was lost to me. It is the most painful feeling to lose your voice, to just stare mutely and never say anything in return because you cannot. I had made a promise and yet I could not keep it…

I am not writing this letter to ask you to come back. Neither am I writing this letter as a sort of apology. Even I wonder what this letter has become because even now, I cannot justify my motivations for all that I have done. I know my flaws and I have been selfish enough to drag you along. But even if my words fall short, I can at least convey that those times that I had spent with you meant something to me. My dreams still are of you and how much I miss you. Sometimes I do wish that I can send you a message and ask you to take me away to the lands that you saw and loved. Maybe I would then start to pay off my debt to you by loving you more truly, without the worries of the world…

But that time of sending that message to you has not come yet.

Maybe all I wanted in this wretched life is you. You are the brightest for me. You are mine. 

I will be happy. 

-Seungcheol. 

Jeonghan thumbed the pages of the letter. He ran his fingers over the scratchy handwriting, which stood out starkly under the light of the lamp. He knew then that Seungcheol had not trusted his own love for Jeonghan enough but it had worked out fine in the face of Jeonghan's impulsiveness. But having it reaffirmed, made his eyes sting and his heart ache even after all these years. Melissa knew that Jeonghan loved Seungcheol. Even as she lay on the hospital bed, she had implored Jeonghan to make up with Seungcheol. Somewhere in her heart, she knew that her husband was never hers. Jeonghan wondered if he had committed a crime against Melissa and his own children as he had against Seungcheol by marrying Melissa out of spite. He wondered if he deserved to be forgiven and he wondered if he could make it all right. The tears fell hot and wet and made brown splotches on the paper. Suddenly he did not feel very brave anymore. 

IX. 

Jeonghan put down his hat as Seungcheol poured tea into the delicate blue ceramic cups. The room had the smell of herbs mingled with the smell of wood. It was where Seungcheol’s father had set up his practice which after his death had been converted into a tea-room. Dry medicinal herbs were still stored in the cool and dark recesses of the room to be crushed and used as required by the Choi family and their neighbours, who still swore by those medicines. The small garden patch was visible through the glass balconies and suddenly Jeonghan remembered the summer night when he and Seungcheol first made love. 

“You wanted to meet me?” 

The chamomile tea soothed Jeonghan’s nerves even as Seungcheol’s soft husky voice floated over. He stared at the pale column of Seungcheol’s neck and the small sliver of collarbone which disappeared into the powder blue shirt that Seungcheol was wearing. 

“I wanted to return this…or rather these.” He took out the bundle of letters and saw Seungcheol pale as his eyes widened slightly. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water.  
“You read them?” 

Jeonghan nodded as he placed the letters in front of Seungcheol. Silence reigned for quite some time.

“Naeun came to visit me last week.”

“She did?” Seungcheol seemed like he could not bear it anymore and would faint at any minute. He radiated distress and it would have been quite comical if Jeonghan also did not feel the ominous butterflies in his own stomach. He felt it would give away at any minute. He gulped his chamomile tea but the atmosphere in the room became oppressive by the second.   
“She made me think about certain things and reflect upon my own actions.” Jeonghan lifted his eyes towards Seungcheol, “We are all guilty aren’t we Cheol-ah?”

“I do not understand…”

“Remember one day, we had sat in elementary class and our teacher had read us a story of the Dragon of Sadame? We had all hated the story and I remember booing at it because it did not fit into my neat notion of people who fell in love stayed together, despite all circumstances. I hated the dragon for making the poor prince suffer because of some stupid promise he made to the people of Sadame. He let his love die because he had to protect the people. He broke his promise to his lover because of the promise made to some unknown people. But my brain refused to realize that it had so much more to say and to teach…that promises are made and yet we have to break them as we come to junctures of our life when we have to look at the larger picture in order to justify our actions. You broke up with me in order to justify your love for me and to protect me from the wrath of my father and from an uncertain future. I married Melissa out of spite towards you and a twisted sense of love, to exorcise the ghost of memories that I was clinging to in order to survive. We knew that we loved each other and yet we could not justify our love in the face of the greater circumstances and we acted in the way what seemed the best at that point. And today, I stand at another juncture of my life: to apologize and own up for the hurt that I caused to you and Melissa and to my own sons, by depriving them of a lot of things and yet I have not been held accountable by anyone. I cannot promise to make things right but at least I can promise to try. I love you Seungcheol and I have for a very long time. I just had not had the maturity to take responsibility for my actions but I now want to. I came to ask you and I request you to please grant me that privilege.” Jeonghan gave a deep bow.

“Do you not understand Jeonghan?”

Seungcheol took Jeonghan’s hands in his own, “It is a lot more than taking responsibility. It requires a lot of courage and I felt that at that point, we did not have the courage to promise each other anything. We loved each other but we were not at that point to promise each other anything. I refused to accept your promise Jeonghan remember; my silence was my refusal. I knew that even if you were able to fulfill your promise, I might not be able to keep my side and the last thing I wanted was to be hated by you. We always keep going in circles and yet it is how we are and how we are supposed to live.”

“I broke up with Naeun, a week after we met in the school. Meeting you again, gave me a lot of answers that I had pondered on after you left. The feelings that you elicited in me that day were the same feelings of breathlessness and stupidity that I had felt all the time that I was with you,” Jeonghan let out a snort which made Seungcheol chuckle, “I think I knew what they meant then when they called us idiots in love…”

“But that means Naeun came to see me…”

“After we broke up…yes. She had come to me after meeting you and we had a long chat. I knew she loved me and maybe I loved her too; like a kindred spirit who has suffered losses but ones much greater than mine. She told me that she was going to live here and not run away but then she wanted to take a holiday to clean up her mind. She talked about how she tried to justify everything in terms of the greater good of being a doctor and ultimately she forgot about her own self. She thought I did not know about her miscarriage but her mother had told me about it after our engagement. Somewhere in my mind, I knew that she hungered for a child to replace that emptiness and she saw in me a potential father who would not abandon her because of my sense of duty. but then, you came back and we both realized how we were fooling ourselves: we are idiots Jeonghan just as we are guilty of our own emotions. Naeun helped me realize that.”

“I would love to be with you again…but our wounds are too great to just have a new beginning without any repercussions. You have your sons; I have my students and we still have our responsibilities to our families. The price is too great Jeonghan to just become lovers again without a care in the world…”

Jeonghan smiled even as he crossed over to Seungcheol and took his pale hands in his. They were rough from chalk dust and hard like a man. He lifted them to his lips and kissed them, even as Seungcheol started sobbing, 

“But we can try.”

His lips touched Seungcheol’s cheeks where he tasted the salt of his tears and the soft prickle of a day-old stubble. He dragged his lips over to Seungcheol’s soft lips, chapped slightly but the same familiarity remained. Their fingers intertwined with each other even as the warmth of the other’s mouth drugged them with the happiness of homecoming. They kissed until they were out of breath and finally pulled apart with wet eyes and laughs.

“We can try.”

X. 

Naeun was packing her bags when the doorbell rang. She closed the pouch containing her medicines as she got up to receive the person. She could not help the wry smile that appeared on her face when she saw Jeonghan on the opposite side of the door with a bunch of daisies. 

“I kind of expected your visit.” She said as she ushered him inside and waved the hand at the sofa, “Make yourself comfortable while I pour you a cup of tea.”

“I am sorry for not offering you a cup when you had come over…” Jeonghan mentioned sheepishly as he watched her arrange the daisies in a jar of water. Naeun could not help the laughter that bubbled up. 

“It is fine. I guess Seungcheol has told you the truth about us then, considering the fact that you are here, dressed to apologise and replete with a bunch of daisies?” 

Jeonghan nodded as he gingerly sat on the sofa and looked around at her luggage, “Are you going somewhere?’

“Europe. I have always wanted to see the Eiffel tower and ride a gondola in Venice. And maybe visit Juliet’s house in Verona and write her a letter…I do not know…but I think I need a break. I need to clear the air.” She gave a laugh, "I have finally decided to move on." 

She walked over to the kitchen and took out her tea leaves. As the tea steeped in the boiling water, she walked over to Jeonghan who was sitting in awkward silence as if he did not know what to say.  
“I am sorry for saying those words to you. It must have sounded very mean and possessive. I cannot make it up to you…I was petty-minded and tried to hurt you.” He started babbling as soon as he saw her again. His hands trembled as he tried to apologise.

“That meeting was meant to serve a number of purposes." Naeun smiled at Jeonghan as she poured the tea. "It was my revenge or you can say my parting gift. The last thing I wanted was my rival to know that my man had left me for him. It was my way of making you face your own feelings as well as ascertaining my own views about you. I should also apologise for the way I went about it. But I did not want Seungcheol to pine after a man who did not deserve him in the slightest in my opinion.”

“So, what do you think of me now?” Jeonghan stared at her pale figure dressed in a loose frock which hung about her slim silhouette as her open hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders. Her lips were full and she looked younger without her make-up. But the sadness lingered about her. She was beautiful. 

She smiled, “I do not think much of you other than the fact that I accept you as a friend and Seungcheol's partner. I cannot forgive you for taking Seungcheol away but then he never really was mine. I knew that even as I got engaged to him. In a way, I am thankful to you for saving me from a marriage of convenience. It was something I could never do on my own.”

“What about your mother?” 

Naeun smiled, “Seungcheol took responsibility for the break-up but even she knew of our circumstances. She knew that we were both marrying to exorcise our ghosts instead of facing them head-on. She has accepted it for what it is. I will be staying on and working in the hospital so I will probably meet you after a month or so after my vacation.” She grinned. “I think this is the youngest I have felt in a while. I have almost finished packing but I am still deciding on what clothes to take. Wanna help?”

Perhaps in some other world, they would all have their perfect lives without any hauntings. Naeun would have her own family with her baby son and husband; he and Seungcheol would have been married and Melissa might have earned that pottery degree that she was studying for before her death. And yet, it would not have been the same. It would all have been a hoax and a false lull of stagnation and hopelessness with no trials and tribulations: A fairy-tale with a happy ending indeed but just a fairy-tale in the world of reality. As he chattered with Naeun and helped her choose among her stack of red lipsticks and bickered about the many floral prints of her clothes, he wondered if their lives would have been worthwhile at all without all of this. As the soft sunshine flooded Naeun’s bedroom and they sipped on tea and enjoyed the labour of their work in the form of two neatly packed suitcases, he realised it all. The dragon, the prince and Sadame was just a metaphor; in the end, our fairy tales are what we make of it in a world of reality. 

...


End file.
